八声甘州—春（中华新韵）TO南歌初渝

陌洛儿

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尘土飞扬

陌洛儿 发表于 2021-8-16 22:31
你是小师兄

还好还好，不是二师兄

子非鱼

给洛儿一点小建议：
题目是《春》，以下这两句却是秋景
与主题意境不符。
1.夜语秋月晓，
2.风采流萤。
3.何日现惊鸿。
以上三句都是秋日景象
以后填词切记，景物描写一定要符合主题的意境
以前我也犯过此类问题。

南歌初渝

陌洛儿 发表于 2021-8-16 22:30
哼哼是哪个啊

哼哼就是哼哼着唱呗，

子非鱼

帖子制作的很美~喜欢~

陌洛儿

子非鱼 发表于 2021-8-16 22:36
给洛儿一点小建议：
题目是《春》，以下这两句却是秋景
与主题意境不符。

我写词比较随性随意，有些时候过于讲究意境，非鱼说的很对，优秀。

陌洛儿

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margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;"><br></span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">现实总是喜欢刺破迷梦，让人张皇失措，不知明天的方向。</span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">伤的，累的，等的，念的，都是最近的。</span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">醉的，醒的，哭的，笑的，都是最想的。</span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">打开发泄的角，却收不住涌动的浪，化为泥沼。</span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;"><br></span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">幸好，自己还在，还好，能从那些死胡同里，摸索出来。</span></font></section><section style="line-height: 2em; margin-right: 35px; margin-left: 40px;"><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">明月朗朗，钩檐徘徊，你若盛开，清风自来。</span></font></section><font color="#687979" face="微软雅黑, Microsoft YaHei" size="2"><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;那份默契，不仅是坚定的自信，更是灵魂交予的自在。</span></font><span style="letter-spacing: 1.5px; color: rgb(104, 121, 121); font-family: 微软雅黑, &quot;Microsoft YaHei&quot;; font-size: 15px;"><br>
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陌洛儿

南歌初渝 发表于 2021-8-16 22:36
哼哼就是哼哼着唱呗，

我以为哼哼是个人呢

陌洛儿

子非鱼 发表于 2021-8-16 22:37
帖子制作的很美~喜欢~

写不好只能制作好看了，哈哈

轻叩流年

陌洛儿 发表于 2021-8-16 22:21
是因为我每天都笑嘻嘻的嘛

那也得我看见了才算数的。